Loneliness

It is more than just a mental state. It is more than just a state in general. There is circumstantial loneliness, where all you feel is separation, a distinction between you and those around you. And then there is isolation, where the line is not drawn between you and other people; the line is drawn around you.

That is true loneliness. You may surround yourself with family and friends but there is a dullness inside that makes the smile on your face more like the sun's reflection on a pool of dark water. It is not a subtle wall that separates your ideals from theirs. It is simply a sleeping unhappiness. On occasion, the impulse to drive it into action becomes overwhelming and then there is a conscious feeding of the beast, simply to provoke some sense of a negative emotion, for the alternative is to be dead inside. At those times, it is like popping the loaded spring on a mousetrap. While you may have wished for the satisfying snap, the rapidity and the force behind it never fail to surprise.

And then the darkness becomes everything.

My Happy Place

There's a place that I've found. It's a happy place. It's mine but I'll share. I know how to share. In reality, to stand on par with a cloud is impossible. They are too big and too grand. Yet in my dream, I am on a plane with them. And it's amazing. They're far from me but if I were to walk over to them, they would still be right beside me. So it's me and the clouds, under a clear night sky. And below us is a city. It's beautiful. I can look down on it and see all the lives of the people below. I can see them running around and imagine how their days were. Make believe. And it's all just so great. And I'm alone, up there, with the wind and the clouds. And I can see it all, every last bit of my city. And I think I'm dead. But I can't tell if it's heaven or hell.